Joke Page
Last update November 19, 2008
Kids Are Quick
(Added 11/19/08)
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   TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria.
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TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!
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TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:        Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:          All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'   
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TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.  
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TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir.  It's the same dog.
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TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
(Added 11/19/08)
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.  This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
The Importance of Walking
(Added 11/19/08)

     Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7,000 per month.

      My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
    
      I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
    
      The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
    
      I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
    
      I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
    
      Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise,' I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
    
      I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

      The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
    
      If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
    
      I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill.
  
     We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
    
      AND

      Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Not All Seniors Are Senile
(Added 11/19/08)
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
Five Surgeons
(Added 11/27/06)
Five  surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New  York , says, "I like to see Accountants on my operating table, because  when you open them up, everything inside is  numbered."

The second, from Chicago ,  responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!  Everything  inside them is color coded."

The  third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are  the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical  order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los  Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left  over."

But the fifth surgeon, from  Washington , DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on.   There's no guts, no heart, no brains, no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable."
Giving over 100%
(Added 11/27/06)
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

 What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

 Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 If:   A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 is represented as:   1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 Then:
 H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 and

 K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 But,

 A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 And,

  B-R-O-W-N-N-O-S-E
  2+18+15+23+14+14+15+19+5 = 125%

 So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Brownnosing that will put you over the top.

"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."


For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.
(Added 11/10/06)
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a mute person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 		18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

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